Unnecessary Mommy Guilt

After a few too many breakdowns (if you could even call them that since they were mostly without tears), I decided I needed a compromise between work and my new life as Baby G's mom.

Financially we can't afford for me I stay home and take care of Baby G full time. And I am not sure I am mentally ready for that. I like the interaction with adults and getting to eat my lunch without worrying if Baby G will wake up from his nap and cut lunch short. At some point I want to be able to stay home, but I realize I am not ready yet.

I decided the best compromise would be for me to cut back my hours at work. Hubby and I discussed this a few times before Baby G was born and we had figured out how much money I'd have to bring home in order to keep a roof over our heads and food on the table. So, after a lot of obsessing over the idea, I talked it over with my boss last week.

I felt sick as I walked into her office. I was nervous my request would be denied. I mean, I got permission to work from home one day a week before I went on leave. I was worried she would think I'm just trying to get out of working or tell me my requests were just not fair to everyone else.

But things went okay. I didn't ask to work extremely part time; I just wanted to work 30 hours per week. I was honest with her, explaining that I'm feeling overwhelmed when I get home and I felt I needed to work, but I needed more time at home as well. I told her I am being treated for PPD and I was hoping that having a little more time at home would help me overcome it.

She was understanding and seemed willing to work with me even if HR wouldn't allow it.

She suggested I work from home, apparently forgetting our discussion several months back. I told her I had tried it once and it was difficult because Baby G hates naps; I spent most of my time trying to settle him down and Hubby had to take him out later that evening so I could do my work.

The her eyes got wide, "Would you quit if you couldn't work part time?"

I said no, unfortunately I had to work. She seemed relieved.

My request was approved and I was told if I worked 32 hours a week then I could keep my benefits. I told my boss I wanted to talk my decision over with Hubby one last time to make sure he was okay with it and to decide if I wanted to work 30 or 32 hours.

Hubby was not too keen on the idea of cutting back on my hours -- yet. He wanted me to wait until we sold our condo and buy a new home.

I got angry. This wasn't an acceptable response to me. Not when we had established that we could do it financially. And not when he had told me several months ago it might be better so my parents were not spending 40+ hours a week with Baby G. Besides, we have no idea when we will get to move or if we could qualify to buy another home. And why would we try and qualify for a loan based on income we weren't going to have once we moved?

I pretty much told him tough cookies. My mind was made up and I really thought less hours would make me feel less overwhelmed.

I felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders, but guilt started setting in. Thousands of parents work full time and also care for their kids. Why am I having a rough time? I don't expect to be Super Mommy but I feel like I should be able to balance the two roles. But I am struggling.

I am pretty sure the PPD has something to do with it. I hate using that as an excuse, but it is amazing how debilitating PPD can be.

I am even more sure my issue stems from the fact that I want more time with Baby G. I hate waking him up so early in the mornings. I have to if I am going to be able to leave work early enough to spend time with him before bedtime.

But the thing is, I am not really enjoying him after work. I am thinking about the 50 other things I have to get done before he goes to bed. Our time to get things done is cut short because we move Baby G to the living room to sleep and that room is pretty much the same as the kitchen. If we try to do dishes or clean bottles after he goes to bed then we run the risk of waking him up. And because he fights naps so much I don't want to disrupt his night slumber where he gets most of his sleep.

I think moving will help considerably, but we are not sure how long it will take to sell our place or if the bank will approve a short sale offer. So for now the only way I can think to help myself is to cut back on work and I am nervous about how others there will perceive me.

But why should I? I am doing what I think is best for me. And I know being able to enjoy my time with Baby G is best for him.

It seems like a common problem among working parents, maybe mothers most of all. Hubby is a wonderful support and so are my parents. But it doesn't seem like its enough.

My new schedule starts Monday. My boss gave me permission to continue to work later to get every other Friday off this summer. I still plan on doing so; I can't come home early since the condo is being shown so that works out fine for now. I'll still be working a little less than eight hours a day.

How do you working mothers find balance?