Ho.Ly.Crap.
I did it. I actually did it.
I've managed to nurse or give G my breast milk for six months.
I was so worried I wouldn't be able to do it. That I wouldn't have enough milk. That working would make my supply plummet. That G would end up liking bottles verses the boob. When G was in the hospital and had to be bottle fed formula, I thought we'd never be successful at breastfeeding. I don't have many friends who were able to nurse more than 6 months. A few of them said it all had to end when they went back to work. I was scared that I would have to stop as well.
Wow. Just. Wow.
It wasn't easy. It took us about 10 weeks to get the hang of it, and I'm wondering if part of that was because I went back to work and we got a break from nursing during part of the day. A time out, as it were, to think about things and try again later. Or maybe it was my Happy Pills that chilled me out enough that I wasn't stressing over it and in turn wasn't stressing G out. Either way, it took 10 whole weeks. And that's a while.
My plan was to breastfeed and pump then wean G off the boob at six months, continuing to pump the last six months until he could be given cow's milk. Now that the six month mark has arrived, I'm just not sure what I want to do.
I still don't want to feed him formula, but my supply is dwindling much more than it did three months ago. My freezer is no longer stocked full of breast milk and we were able to fit a bunch of chicken and ice cream in there this weekend. I was so proud of my stash. And now it's hidden in the back. My supply is my biggest worry and I'm keeping my fingers crossed that I can get it back up to a reasonable amount now that I'm getting over my cold.
I still don't enjoy nursing, but I know it's best for G. And I'm capable. I feel like I should keep going as long as I can. I'm stubborn like that.
G has teeth. This scares me. I haven't been bitten (yet), but he loves to yank his head away, pulling my nipple with him. It wasn't a big deal with only gums, it hasn't been awful with just the two bottom teeth, but I hate thinking about what it will feel like once his top teeth come in.
I do want my boobs and my freedom back. I want to be able to tell Hubby, "Hey, G is hungry. It's your turn to feed him" while I sleep in on a Saturday morning.
I'm selfish. I like that I can whisk G away from a group of people, nurse him, and have some quiet time with the two of us. No one has to know I'm not nursing for 30 minutes. Only Hubby really dares to come in to check on me if it's been a while. If he's bottle fed I won't have that luxury anymore. And I really, really like that luxury.
G loves the boob. I'm positive that Hubby will have to be around more often to give G bottles. I'm just not sure how that will go, and I'm not sure I'm ready to find out.
After thinking a lot about these things, I've decided to try and give nursing/pumping three more months. Hubby is considering taking some time off in December, which I think would be helpful to start getting G used to bottles during parts of the day he's used to nursing. Then we'd only have about three months of using formula, unless I can still pump. I think I can tolerate that.
If I had to stop nursing tomorrow it will be with mixed emotions. Despite nursing not being one of my favorite things, I know I'll be sad. Sad that I couldn't give G "the best" the first full year. Sad that some of the quiet moments between the two of us will be a thing of the past. But I will also be proud. Proud we made it this far. That we (I) stuck with it. That something went according to one of the plans drawn up in my head.
Adventures in motherhood with my Rainbow Baby.
Showing posts with label breastfeeding. Show all posts
Showing posts with label breastfeeding. Show all posts
Wednesday, October 3, 2012
Thursday, May 3, 2012
An Honest Look at Breastfeeding
I don't really like breastfeeding.
There. I said it. It's out in the open now. I don't really like it.
But I do it because 1) it's free 2) it's best for Baby G and 3) I'm selfish and do want the time alone with him, even if it turns into a big fiasco.
It's demanding and I don't even think I have it that bad. A typical day will go like this: 2am feeding, 4 or 5am feeding, 6 or 7am feeding, 9am feeding, 11am feeding, free for all until 5pm for another feeding, 7pm feeding, 9pm feeding. And then it starts again around 2am.
So I usually get about a 4-5 hour stretch at night in which I can sleep. It's nice! And more than other moms get.
Of course feeding times vary. When Baby G was three weeks old he wanted to be fed every hour to hour and a half. The other night he fed every two hours so I didn't get the stretch of sleep I anticipated. But overall, feeding has been about every 1 1/2 - 2 hours.
I didn't start out hating the idea of breastfeeding. Quite the opposite. I had visions of quiet times alone with Baby G. Him peacefully nursing away while I talk quietly to him, admiring his tiny little features, basking in the wonderfulness I have heard breastfeeding is all about. I'll admit I was looking forward to having an excuse to sneak away for some alone time when we're at family functions as they can sometimes be overwhelming for me. So what makes me dislike it?
Well, for one, I don't have a comfortable place to do it, even in my own home. Since we are currently living in a one bedroom condo, we're sharing a room with Baby G. Or, more specifically, Hubby is sharing a room. I've been sleeping on the couch since we brought Baby G home because between Hubby's snoring and the loud grunts, groans and shrieks Baby G lets out during the night, I can't sleep in the same room as them. But being in the next room on the couch is no better. I still hear them both.
In an effort to make a little room for baby, we had to give away, sell, and put a lot of our stuff in storage. I had always envisioned my baby having a room of his own (that I got to decorate), complete with one of those comfy gliders. But we're going on year seven in the condo we were supposed to have sold in five years. Our bedroom is only big enough to keep the mini crib for Baby G to sleep in and our living room big enough for his changing table, swing, and play mat to keep him entertained.
I tried feeding in bed, but I found that sitting up in a chair is much more comfortable. So my feeding sessions are on the couch, propped up against two couch cushions and my pillow, a nursing stool at my feet, and either my Boppy or My Brest Friend on my lap with Baby G. In the living room where I have my lap top and TV -- two things I find myself distracted with while I should be concentrating on bonding with Baby G.
In an effort to move my sessions to the bedroom, I bought a outdoor rocking chair that folds flat. I was so excited to bring it home, thinking I could keep it out in the bedroom during the day or when visitors stopped by so I could feed Baby G quietly and more comfortably in private. It's portable and can be stored away easily. But the chair didn't work out as well as I'd hoped. While it's more comfortable for me, it isn't for Baby G. Gliders tend to have nice padded arm rests; the rocking chair is plastic and isn't as wide as a rocker. Baby G's feet kept getting stuck between me and the arm rests which results in a less than peaceful experience. Hubby has offered to buy a rocker glider, but I really like the more open space we have in the living room, despite the additional baby stuff we have. His friend gave us the one his ex-wife used when their child was a baby, and it just took up too much room for my liking. We ended up getting rid of it, although that was because it was covered in cat hair and Hubby is super allergic to cats.
And Baby G, although terrific at getting what he needs, is loud and messy. Sometimes he is too eager and impatient to latch on correctly. I lack patience to try more than a few times. If I can tell he's getting something I let it go. Nothing he's done has put me in a lot of pain, my nipples aren't usually sore, and they haven't cracked, so I go with it. But 80% of our feeding sessions results in a lot of milk spilling and spraying everywhere. Baby G and I both had to change our clothes three times the other day due to milk dripping out the corner of his mouth, him yanking (yes, yanking) his head away form my boob resulting in milk spraying over the both of us, and my other boob leaking through the nursing pad and my clothes.
My milk let down is also pretty fast. So many times I have felt like I am water boarding my poor little son. Two sucks in and he lets go choking. This is also a reason why we are covered in milk at the end of some sessions. I've started expressing a little bit in a burp cloth before and during our nursing sessions to help with that.
Despite all this Baby G is gaining weight -- a little more than the average baby in fact. My mom and doctors have commented on "how well I'm doing" breastfeeding. He's getting the milk, and for that I'm grateful; it is what pushes me to keep at it. So many of my friends have loved the experience but had trouble with milk production and had to stop earlier than they wanted, and I had convinced myself I would too. I have read about so many women who aren't able to breastfeed for one reason or another and I was scared I wouldn't be able to either. But here I am, with no trouble making milk, with a baby who gets what he needs, and I'm not really enjoying the experience. I feel bad that I don't. When else do I truly get Baby G all to myself to enjoy? Especially when I'm going back to work in a few weeks? Sometimes I feel like these precious moments are being wasted on us and I feel guilty.
I also wasn't aware that these two things would happen when I started breastfeeding:
1) It makes me hungry. Even when I was mostly pumping while Baby G was in the NICU I was hungry all the time. Hubby and I would eat in the cafeteria and I'd go back through a second time. I also find myself wanting to make a meal, not a snack, at 2 in the morning (I resist though, because then I may not get to sleep at all until 10pm the next night and that does nobody in our house any good).
2) It makes me thirsty. I know a lot of that is because I'm not good at drinking the correct fluids during the day. I've set myself a goal to drink at least 64oz of water a day. The best I've been able to do is 32oz so far. And even that's a huge accomplishment for me.
These things aren't terrible, just surprising. Everyone is so quick to say breastfeeding helps you lose weight and there are a hundred reasons why it is best for your baby. No one ever said want to be eating and drinking all the time!
Am I crazy, or are there any other mom's out there who have found the experience of breastfeeding less than enjoyable? I feel like I'm going to be judged for not finding it as enjoyable as I had anticipated...Is it possible for the baby to be latched on well but still have milk spilling out the sides of his mouth (sometimes I swear it looks like he's on there right!)?
There. I said it. It's out in the open now. I don't really like it.
But I do it because 1) it's free 2) it's best for Baby G and 3) I'm selfish and do want the time alone with him, even if it turns into a big fiasco.
It's demanding and I don't even think I have it that bad. A typical day will go like this: 2am feeding, 4 or 5am feeding, 6 or 7am feeding, 9am feeding, 11am feeding, free for all until 5pm for another feeding, 7pm feeding, 9pm feeding. And then it starts again around 2am.
So I usually get about a 4-5 hour stretch at night in which I can sleep. It's nice! And more than other moms get.
Of course feeding times vary. When Baby G was three weeks old he wanted to be fed every hour to hour and a half. The other night he fed every two hours so I didn't get the stretch of sleep I anticipated. But overall, feeding has been about every 1 1/2 - 2 hours.
I didn't start out hating the idea of breastfeeding. Quite the opposite. I had visions of quiet times alone with Baby G. Him peacefully nursing away while I talk quietly to him, admiring his tiny little features, basking in the wonderfulness I have heard breastfeeding is all about. I'll admit I was looking forward to having an excuse to sneak away for some alone time when we're at family functions as they can sometimes be overwhelming for me. So what makes me dislike it?
Well, for one, I don't have a comfortable place to do it, even in my own home. Since we are currently living in a one bedroom condo, we're sharing a room with Baby G. Or, more specifically, Hubby is sharing a room. I've been sleeping on the couch since we brought Baby G home because between Hubby's snoring and the loud grunts, groans and shrieks Baby G lets out during the night, I can't sleep in the same room as them. But being in the next room on the couch is no better. I still hear them both.
In an effort to make a little room for baby, we had to give away, sell, and put a lot of our stuff in storage. I had always envisioned my baby having a room of his own (that I got to decorate), complete with one of those comfy gliders. But we're going on year seven in the condo we were supposed to have sold in five years. Our bedroom is only big enough to keep the mini crib for Baby G to sleep in and our living room big enough for his changing table, swing, and play mat to keep him entertained.
I tried feeding in bed, but I found that sitting up in a chair is much more comfortable. So my feeding sessions are on the couch, propped up against two couch cushions and my pillow, a nursing stool at my feet, and either my Boppy or My Brest Friend on my lap with Baby G. In the living room where I have my lap top and TV -- two things I find myself distracted with while I should be concentrating on bonding with Baby G.
In an effort to move my sessions to the bedroom, I bought a outdoor rocking chair that folds flat. I was so excited to bring it home, thinking I could keep it out in the bedroom during the day or when visitors stopped by so I could feed Baby G quietly and more comfortably in private. It's portable and can be stored away easily. But the chair didn't work out as well as I'd hoped. While it's more comfortable for me, it isn't for Baby G. Gliders tend to have nice padded arm rests; the rocking chair is plastic and isn't as wide as a rocker. Baby G's feet kept getting stuck between me and the arm rests which results in a less than peaceful experience. Hubby has offered to buy a rocker glider, but I really like the more open space we have in the living room, despite the additional baby stuff we have. His friend gave us the one his ex-wife used when their child was a baby, and it just took up too much room for my liking. We ended up getting rid of it, although that was because it was covered in cat hair and Hubby is super allergic to cats.
And Baby G, although terrific at getting what he needs, is loud and messy. Sometimes he is too eager and impatient to latch on correctly. I lack patience to try more than a few times. If I can tell he's getting something I let it go. Nothing he's done has put me in a lot of pain, my nipples aren't usually sore, and they haven't cracked, so I go with it. But 80% of our feeding sessions results in a lot of milk spilling and spraying everywhere. Baby G and I both had to change our clothes three times the other day due to milk dripping out the corner of his mouth, him yanking (yes, yanking) his head away form my boob resulting in milk spraying over the both of us, and my other boob leaking through the nursing pad and my clothes.
My milk let down is also pretty fast. So many times I have felt like I am water boarding my poor little son. Two sucks in and he lets go choking. This is also a reason why we are covered in milk at the end of some sessions. I've started expressing a little bit in a burp cloth before and during our nursing sessions to help with that.
Despite all this Baby G is gaining weight -- a little more than the average baby in fact. My mom and doctors have commented on "how well I'm doing" breastfeeding. He's getting the milk, and for that I'm grateful; it is what pushes me to keep at it. So many of my friends have loved the experience but had trouble with milk production and had to stop earlier than they wanted, and I had convinced myself I would too. I have read about so many women who aren't able to breastfeed for one reason or another and I was scared I wouldn't be able to either. But here I am, with no trouble making milk, with a baby who gets what he needs, and I'm not really enjoying the experience. I feel bad that I don't. When else do I truly get Baby G all to myself to enjoy? Especially when I'm going back to work in a few weeks? Sometimes I feel like these precious moments are being wasted on us and I feel guilty.
I also wasn't aware that these two things would happen when I started breastfeeding:
1) It makes me hungry. Even when I was mostly pumping while Baby G was in the NICU I was hungry all the time. Hubby and I would eat in the cafeteria and I'd go back through a second time. I also find myself wanting to make a meal, not a snack, at 2 in the morning (I resist though, because then I may not get to sleep at all until 10pm the next night and that does nobody in our house any good).
2) It makes me thirsty. I know a lot of that is because I'm not good at drinking the correct fluids during the day. I've set myself a goal to drink at least 64oz of water a day. The best I've been able to do is 32oz so far. And even that's a huge accomplishment for me.
These things aren't terrible, just surprising. Everyone is so quick to say breastfeeding helps you lose weight and there are a hundred reasons why it is best for your baby. No one ever said want to be eating and drinking all the time!
Am I crazy, or are there any other mom's out there who have found the experience of breastfeeding less than enjoyable? I feel like I'm going to be judged for not finding it as enjoyable as I had anticipated...Is it possible for the baby to be latched on well but still have milk spilling out the sides of his mouth (sometimes I swear it looks like he's on there right!)?
Monday, January 30, 2012
Breast is Best
I always knew I would breastfeed. My number one reason being that it is free. It's the one "hippy" thing Hubby hasn't complained about or tried talking me out of doing. I don't think he wants to shell out money for formula either. The evidence out there that backs up "breast is best" has only made me even more stubborn in my decision to do it.
My plan has been to breastfeed until the baby could start eating solids, around six months, then start weening but continue to pump so the baby could still get the benefits of breastmilk for another 6 months after that. My mom breastfed my siblings and I, so I never thought about whether or not it would be hard or easy.
Until now.
Now I'm not so sure my plan will work. I have been asked by several people what my feeding preference is. I've only received one negative reaction about my decision to breastfeed, but everyone who has given me three cheers for wanting to do it has immediately told me its hard, it hurts, and they haven't been able to do it exclusively, or if they could, they weren't able to for very long, especially if they had to return to work and pump.
I asked my mom how long she breastfeed us for. It was about 6 months for me. It wasn't as long for my brother, who was the youngest. Apparently my mom was stressed after his birth and it made breastfeeding difficult with him. This was exclusively breastfeeding. I have to return to work after eight weeks and will have to pump if I'm going to be able to feed Little Guy breast milk.
All this has me beyond discouraged. I mean, I know breastfeeding is supposed to be hard. I know its going to hurt. My nipples have never been sucked to the point they're cracking and bleeding before. I know you have to get the baby to latch on just so, and it takes practice by both mom and baby. I know that not all women are able to produce a sufficient amount of milk, if any at all.
I appreciate the honesty, I really do. I would, and probably will, be saying the same things to my pregnant friends and family down the road. But all this honesty is beginning to make me feel like a failure and I haven't been able to start trying yet.
I know that I won't be a failure as long as I give it my best try as I have been intending to all along. But if I don't succeed at exclusively breastfeeding and pumping for at least the first six months of Little Guy's life, I see myself having a hard time accepting that I will have to switch to or throw formula into the mix. I don't think I'll be so stubborn that I'll refuse him formula if he needs it, but I won't be doing it without some kicking and screaming of my own.
For the mammas out there who have breastfed, is the plan I have in mind even doable? How long were you able to exclusively breastfeed and pump? What tricks did you use? Am I crazy for feeling this way?
My plan has been to breastfeed until the baby could start eating solids, around six months, then start weening but continue to pump so the baby could still get the benefits of breastmilk for another 6 months after that. My mom breastfed my siblings and I, so I never thought about whether or not it would be hard or easy.
Until now.
Now I'm not so sure my plan will work. I have been asked by several people what my feeding preference is. I've only received one negative reaction about my decision to breastfeed, but everyone who has given me three cheers for wanting to do it has immediately told me its hard, it hurts, and they haven't been able to do it exclusively, or if they could, they weren't able to for very long, especially if they had to return to work and pump.
I asked my mom how long she breastfeed us for. It was about 6 months for me. It wasn't as long for my brother, who was the youngest. Apparently my mom was stressed after his birth and it made breastfeeding difficult with him. This was exclusively breastfeeding. I have to return to work after eight weeks and will have to pump if I'm going to be able to feed Little Guy breast milk.
All this has me beyond discouraged. I mean, I know breastfeeding is supposed to be hard. I know its going to hurt. My nipples have never been sucked to the point they're cracking and bleeding before. I know you have to get the baby to latch on just so, and it takes practice by both mom and baby. I know that not all women are able to produce a sufficient amount of milk, if any at all.
I appreciate the honesty, I really do. I would, and probably will, be saying the same things to my pregnant friends and family down the road. But all this honesty is beginning to make me feel like a failure and I haven't been able to start trying yet.
I know that I won't be a failure as long as I give it my best try as I have been intending to all along. But if I don't succeed at exclusively breastfeeding and pumping for at least the first six months of Little Guy's life, I see myself having a hard time accepting that I will have to switch to or throw formula into the mix. I don't think I'll be so stubborn that I'll refuse him formula if he needs it, but I won't be doing it without some kicking and screaming of my own.
For the mammas out there who have breastfed, is the plan I have in mind even doable? How long were you able to exclusively breastfeed and pump? What tricks did you use? Am I crazy for feeling this way?
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