Mannequins, Models, and Self Esteem

I don't think there is such a thing as a third trimester pregnant model. As soon as I hit my third trimester my shirts were suddenly too short and my pants were suddenly too tight. I went shopping for more clothes on Monday and everything made me look fat. But I bought things anyway because I wanted something cute to wear for my upcoming baby showers. Even if I do look like a giant blob, I'm hoping my guests will have enough tact not to make any comments to suggest I look like one.

As I scoured the store for cute clothes, I found myself becoming increasingly jealous of all the mannequins set up in the store. Those plastic, headless models showing off all sorts of cute clothes that looked so cute with little second trimester size baby bumps. I don't think I have ever compared my body to a mannequin's before. I look at regular ones and think, your size negative two waist makes you look anorexic and that isn't cool. But for some reason these pregnant mannequins were different. Different because I know I had a cute baby bump the same size as theirs at one point. I actually found these lifeless models relatable.

As I was waiting for my friend to pay for her purchases I also noticed that the models in the posters hanging around the store didn't look third trimester pregnant either. Just like the mannequins, they sported cute second trimester bumps and looked awesome in their flowey shirts and cute dresses. I began to wonder, Why aren't there models that have huge ass bellies like mine? And, Why aren't there clothes that fit third trimester bellies? What, am I supposed to stop caring about what I look like at this point? At this point in pregnancy women are having baby showers. I'm sorry, but I want to look cute at these parties. I don't want to roll up in my sweats because that is all I have left to wear. The cute things I tried on fit my chest but were feeling too tight around the belly. The belly that is still going to grow, and grow, and grow over the next nine weeks. I wanted to cry in frustration, just like I usually do whenever I go clothes shopping now, because what fits me today may not fit next week and pregnancy clothes aren't cheap enough to make a habit of buying new things every few weeks.

Maybe I will start wearing sweat pants and my one and only well fitting pregnancy tank top (which is really more of a spandex-y undershirt) in order to feel comfortable and to avoid belly spillage. At least I'll have a happier temperament.

The good things to come out of my shopping spree were two new bras from Victoria's Secret. My boobs are no longer in between cup sizes now. I'm officially a D cup. I'm a girl who likes to show off her cleavage and the maternity/nursing bras, in addition to being uncomfortable, made me feel flat chested, despite my chest growth. I felt my boobs were actually shrinking when compared to my growing belly and I started feeling down about it. And they're currently the only place sprouting stretch marks. My boobs, which are the only things I can consider sexy on myself because I can push them in and up and show them off in low cut shirts, were bringing me down. You'd think my expanding belly would be bringing me down, but oddly enough I feel like I have gained a little bit of self confidence over that one. Just not sexy.

I didn't really want to spend $50 each on bras that I could possibly ruin with leakage, but I wanted to get some of my sexy back. Hubby gave me a gift card for Christmas to use towards clothes and bras and I did just that. And HOLY COW! Since the bras are push up my boobs look ginormous now. Even my mom made the comment today that my "breasts have really grown!" (That was a fun conversation to have with my dad in the room. I had to assure them both that the bra was doing most of the work.)

My clothes may be too tight and small, but I'm loving my boobs again!

I Love (My) Boobies!

I may be stating this a bit too prematurely. But seriously, I love what pregnancy has done to my boobs so far.

With Pregnancy #1 my boobs never grew. They got firmer. My nipples hurt. But the boobs themselves never ached and I never felt the short lived stabbing pains my boobs have felt this time around, signaling a growth spurt.

It's been different this time. They ached during my first trimester. I felt sharp stabbing pains. I grew a full cup size before my first trimester ended and there are days I think I'm getting ready to bust out of the one bra that fits me at the moment.

Couple this growth with a push up bra and my chest looks amazing!

Pregnancy Symptoms: Take 2

This pregnancy has been different from the last one symptom-wise. So much so, that some days I don't even think I'm pregnant and I've found myself in denial over it. The other day one of my friends asked me if I wanted a glass of wine. I had been eyeing her glass. It looked yummy. I knew it would calm my nerves. I almost said yes. Then I had to remind myself I'm pregnant and this is a time of crucial baby-development. A glass of wine wouldn't be a smart idea.

It's so strange to feel 100% pregnant one day and then 100% not pregnant the next. I'm definitely pregnant. An EPT and two ultrasounds have confirmed that. But I felt 100% pregnant 100% of the time when I was pregnant with my last baby. It definitely freaks me out not to feel the same way this time.

Pregnancy #2
Vivid dreams. I had several that told me I was pregnant before I was able to take a pregnancy test.

My nausea has been a bit sporadic. And since Saturday I've noticed it more between dinner and bed time. But I definitely haven't had it all day (yet).

Lots of cervical fluid.

Heartburn. Watermelon gives me heartburn. That's never happened to me before.

My joints hurt. My collar bone (which I somehow injured last time I was pregnant) started bothering me almost as soon as I got pregnant. My elbows and knees also hurt.

Poor circulation. I had to sleep with a pillow under my feet for almost a week because my legs and feet felt swollen. My hands fall asleep easily and so do my feet while I'm at work.

Bloating. I was bloated and gassy pretty much as soon as I got pregnant. Since it's summer, I've been able to wear a lot of dresses and skirts, so I haven't had to deal with the discomfort of my jeans feeling like they're two sizes too small.

Spotting. This started on Saturday and has been the scariest symptom by far. The doctor told me she thinks it is from implantation, but it is scary none-the-less.

Since the spotting started, I have felt like I'm on the verge of getting my period. I'm cramping, and it feels like the cramping I get the first day of my period. It's not unbearable, so I think it's okay.

Dizziness. I think this might happen more when it's time for me to eat. But I tend to get fluid in my ears when my allergies kick in, which in turn causes dizziness. It's about that time of the year when my allergies start, so it's hard to say what is causing my dizziness at the moment.

Fatigue. I don't think I'm as tired as I was last pregnancy. But maybe I'm too anxious to sleep well. I do yawn a lot when I'm at work though, and I think about my bed often.

I'm moodier. I know it's probably due to my pregnancy hormones, but I'm also not 100% over my miscarriage. I can cry over anything slightly upsetting. I'll get angry over anything that doesn't go the way I think it should (I've been stuck in the anger phase of grief for a while now).

MY BOOBS HURT! Yes, I'm excited about this. It should mean that they're getting bigger (or will shortly). This is the one thing my pregnant friends complained about. And mine never really hurt with the last pregnancy. The fact that mine hurt so early this time around gives me some hope that this pregnancy will stick. I can't tell you how many times I'll grope myself to make sure they're still tender.

Anxiety. To the point I start shaking, I can't eat, I think I'm going to throw up, and I cry. I'm so scared that I'm going to lose this baby too that I start obsessing over symptoms that "go away". I obsess over every single ache and pain. It's driving Jake nuts.

Hmm. Looking back at my symptom post from pregnancy #1, most of these symptoms are the same. All these symptoms and I don't ever seem to have them all at the same time like I did with my last pregnancy. I think the fact that I'm not sick 100% of the time is throwing me off. I guess I should start considering myself lucky on that count.