Breastfeeding: 6 months later

Ho.Ly.Crap.

I did it. I actually did it.

I've managed to nurse or give G my breast milk for six months.

I was so worried I wouldn't be able to do it. That I wouldn't have enough milk. That working would make my supply plummet. That G would end up liking bottles verses the boob. When G was in the hospital and had to be bottle fed formula, I thought we'd never be successful at breastfeeding. I don't have many friends who were able to nurse more than 6 months. A few of them said it all had to end when they went back to work. I was scared that I would have to stop as well.

Wow. Just. Wow.

It wasn't easy. It took us about 10 weeks to get the hang of it, and I'm wondering if part of that was because I went back to work and we got a break from nursing during part of the day. A time out, as it were, to think about things and try again later. Or maybe it was my Happy Pills that chilled me out enough that I wasn't stressing over it and in turn wasn't stressing G out. Either way, it took 10 whole weeks. And that's a while.

My plan was to breastfeed and pump then wean G off the boob at six months, continuing to pump the last six months until he could be given cow's milk. Now that the six month mark has arrived, I'm just not sure what I want to do.

I still don't want to feed him formula, but my supply is dwindling much more than it did three months ago. My freezer is no longer stocked full of breast milk and we were able to fit a bunch of chicken and ice cream in there this weekend. I was so proud of my stash. And now it's hidden in the back. My supply is my biggest worry and I'm keeping my fingers crossed that I can get it back up to a reasonable amount now that I'm getting over my cold.

I still don't enjoy nursing, but I know it's best for G. And I'm capable. I feel like I should keep going as long as I can. I'm stubborn like that.

G has teeth. This scares me. I haven't been bitten (yet), but he loves to yank his head away, pulling my nipple with him. It wasn't a big deal with only gums, it hasn't been awful with just the two bottom teeth, but I hate thinking about what it will feel like once his top teeth come in.

I do want my boobs and my freedom back. I want to be able to tell Hubby, "Hey, G is hungry. It's your turn to feed him" while I sleep in on a Saturday morning.

I'm selfish. I like that I can whisk G away from a group of people, nurse him, and have some quiet time with the two of us. No one has to know I'm not nursing for 30 minutes. Only Hubby really dares to come in to check on me if it's been a while. If he's bottle fed I won't have that luxury anymore. And I really, really like that luxury.

G loves the boob. I'm positive that Hubby will have to be around more often to give G bottles. I'm just not sure how that will go, and I'm not sure I'm ready to find out.

After thinking a lot about these things, I've decided to try and give nursing/pumping three more months. Hubby is considering taking some time off in December, which I think would be helpful to start getting G used to bottles during parts of the day he's used to nursing. Then we'd only have about three months of using formula, unless I can still pump. I think I can tolerate that.

If I had to stop nursing tomorrow it will be with mixed emotions. Despite nursing not being one of my favorite things, I know I'll be sad. Sad that I couldn't give G "the best" the first full year. Sad that some of the quiet moments between the two of us will be a thing of the past. But I will also be proud. Proud we made it this far. That we (I) stuck with it. That something went according to one of the plans drawn up in my head.