Dear Baby

Dear Baby,

You are 15 weeks and 2 days along today. You're still around with a heartbeat in the 150's - I know because I just listened to you on the doppler. I think I started feeling you move about three weeks ago. Sometimes it feels like flutters, other times it's a tiny shimmy. Today it feels similar to bubbles popping inside my uterus. When I first thought I felt you move, I felt two strong flutters. I don't think those were gas because one of them tickled and I giggled when I felt it. Gas doesn't make me giggle. I was eating dinner at your grandparent's house later that same week when it felt like pop rocks were exploding in my uterus. It was something I had never felt before so I'm pretty sure that was you saying hello. I'm looking forward to when I feel your first real poke or jab.
Other than the little flutters, shimmies and pops, it's hard to remember you're growing inside of me. If I look like I'm showing then it's because I'm bloated. I still fit in my pre-pregnancy clothes, although I did give in a bought a maternity shirt the other day. It was actually pretty comfortable and I didn't feel like I had to suck in my gut every time I stood up and walked around. I'm tempted to go out and buy a few more!

I have read about some women who wake up at the beginning of their second trimester and they feel like a million bucks; their morning sickness and fatigue is suddenly gone and they don't feel pregnant at all. I can't say that really happened to me, although as soon as I hit 12 weeks with you my fatigue lessened greatly, but it was replaced by near-migraine-like headaches. My morning sickness seemed to worsen for another week or two, but now I seem to get nauseous only when it's time to eat. Feelings of light-headedness and dizziness at various moments throughout the day have also increased. A stuffy nose has been the only constant symptom I've had throughout this pregnancy so far.

I came down with a cold last week that got worse last weekend. I don't think I'm doing much better today than I was on Monday. I apologize if my coughing keeps you up at night and if my hunching over to keep my stomach and uterus from hurting too much when I cough squishes you. I'd imagine that if listening to my gas is supposed to soothe you, the jerking motions you must feel as I cough must rock you to sleep. Or at least I hope so!
I'm currently counting down the days until your next appointment. I am hoping there will be an ultrasound so your dad and I can see you, but I have a feeling we'll only get to listen to you.

Whenever you're ready to make your presence really known, I'm ready! All I ask is that you be kind to my insides and keep your punching strictly to my tummy.

Love,
Mommy 

Doppler Update

My front door is getting more action than I think it's ever seen before. First the fire marshal came to make sure we could hear the building's fire alarm in our unit (no worries there -- my ear still hurts from listening to it) and then about an hour after I posted about my doppler, the UPS guy came a knockin'.

And it works! I don't even think it took me a minute to find the heart beat. The doppler made it really easy to detect, too. When it picks it up, a little heart appears on the LCD screen. Like others had described, it sounded just like a galloping horse!

So now that I know the little one is still alive, I do feel better. Now I just have to make sure I only use it once a week like I promised myself and Hubby...

Sonoline B

One minute I'll be content with being pregnant, another I'll be happy, and another I'll be flipping out because I think something is wrong.

I think some women are told, "If you don't have bleeding, then everything is fine."

I beg to differ. I, unfortunately, know that you don't have to bleed for something to be wrong. And this is what is making this pregnancy so terrifying for me. If my miscarriage had ended with bleeding, then evey day that I've gone without seeing blood would be a blessing and I'd be thanking God everything is okay still. But that's not what happened. I didn't realize something was wrong until four weeks after my first ultrasound.

I guess it's normal for a pregnant woman to go through a wide range of emotions, with all the hormones running through her and all. But sometimes I feel like my feelings of fear and anxiety are taken to a whole new extreme given my situation.

So, given my situation, I caved earlier this week and ordered a Sonoline B fetal doppler. It should come in the mail today. I felt pretty good about my decision. For about five minutes. Then I started panicking again. What if I get it and I can't hear the heart beat? (This is my number one fear.) I didn't discuss getting a doppler with my doctor, will she get upset I bought one after I call in a panic and she winds up finding it for me? (She made me feel like it's time for me to stop being anxious and relax when I saw her at my last appointment. I think she'd think I am nuts for even considering buying a doppler and I don't really want to be chastised for it.) What if using it really isn't good for the baby? (I've read several posts on message boards that indicate some studies say it may not be good for the baby.) AAARRGG! I go crazy thinking these things.

But then I have to tell myself, what if I can hear it? If listening for it once a week is what it's going to take for me to relax between doctor appointments, it's got to be worth it.

So today I sit here. And wait. I am secretly hoping that it comes before Hubby gets home. I'd really rather try using it by myself first. If I get frustrated with it while I use it with him around then I run the risk of taking it out on him, which I don't want to do. He's been so great about going out and getting me food for dinner. I don't want him to decide not to because I've hurt his feelings. My sense of smell and stomach won't tolerate it :o)