Doctors, Doctors Everywhere

I'm getting pretty tired of doctors. Between my primary care doctor, the OB, and the ultrasound doctor, I've seen a doctor about 6 times in 10 weeks.

I got sick about 10 weeks ago and my primary care doctor told me I had a cold. The cold went away after about 2.5 to 3 weeks, but the cough I developed never really went away. At that time, my OB, concerned that I was also coughing stuff up, put me on an antibiotic for a week. It helped, but my cough still lingered. About a week after I finished the antibiotic I went back to my primary care doctor for a rash. I mentioned the cough and she said it could be from allergies and that I could take Claritin or Zyrtec. Well, I wasn't too keen on taking anything for allergies when she didn't take a look inside my ears, nose, and throat and didn't listen to my lungs, so I bought Claritin but it's been sitting on our kitchen table ever since. Then, exactly two weeks ago, I got sick again. My throat was sore and my cough was back. My head was so stuffed up I felt like it was going to explode. I went back to the primary doctor and was told I had a virus. I know there really isn't anything you can take for a virus, but at that point I had been sick for eight weeks. I wanted something and made it pretty clear that I had been sick for two months. I mean, the second trimester is supposed to be easy right? I'm supposed to be enjoying myself, right? How can I do that constantly being sick? So the doctor gave me an antibiotic to take for 10 days. Oh yeah, and I also had an OB appointment that same week.

I finished the antibiotic a couple days ago and last night I started wheezing every time I tried taking a deep breath. But it was only happening when I was sitting down or leaning back in bed or on the couch propped up by pillows. I seemed to be fine while standing. I've been short of breath this entire pregnancy, but was told by the OB not to worry about it unless I started wheezing.

So back to the primary doctor I went this morning. It wasn't the best appointment ever. The practice has recently moved offices. I was the first patient they were able to take a credit card payment for, the laptops the doctors carry around weren't working, and my doctor couldn't find any of the breath test devices so she could see how much oxygen I was breathing in and out. And of course, when she went to listen to my lungs she couldn't hear any wheezing. She gave me an inhaler to use three times a day for a week, told me to start taking Claritin or Zyrtec to help with the fluid I still have in my ears, and to come back in one week, saying that by then they should have located the device to test my breathing. I'm going to follow her advice this time, she did say that the inhaler and allergy medicine are safe for me and Little Guy, but I left feeling like my appointment was not thorough enough, and that left me anxious.

Little Guy was extremely active over the weekend, but not as much today. I am feeling little pops, and I'm pretty sure he's shifted to the front of my tummy twice today, but the movements just aren't as strong as they were. I'm not even 23 weeks yet, so I have about a month left before I have to worry about not feeling him consistently, but knowing that wheezing isn't good for a pregnant lady has made me think about his movements a lot today.

I know I'll probably be miserable in other ways, but I'm really, really hoping that my third trimester will be illness-free.

Sonoline B

One minute I'll be content with being pregnant, another I'll be happy, and another I'll be flipping out because I think something is wrong.

I think some women are told, "If you don't have bleeding, then everything is fine."

I beg to differ. I, unfortunately, know that you don't have to bleed for something to be wrong. And this is what is making this pregnancy so terrifying for me. If my miscarriage had ended with bleeding, then evey day that I've gone without seeing blood would be a blessing and I'd be thanking God everything is okay still. But that's not what happened. I didn't realize something was wrong until four weeks after my first ultrasound.

I guess it's normal for a pregnant woman to go through a wide range of emotions, with all the hormones running through her and all. But sometimes I feel like my feelings of fear and anxiety are taken to a whole new extreme given my situation.

So, given my situation, I caved earlier this week and ordered a Sonoline B fetal doppler. It should come in the mail today. I felt pretty good about my decision. For about five minutes. Then I started panicking again. What if I get it and I can't hear the heart beat? (This is my number one fear.) I didn't discuss getting a doppler with my doctor, will she get upset I bought one after I call in a panic and she winds up finding it for me? (She made me feel like it's time for me to stop being anxious and relax when I saw her at my last appointment. I think she'd think I am nuts for even considering buying a doppler and I don't really want to be chastised for it.) What if using it really isn't good for the baby? (I've read several posts on message boards that indicate some studies say it may not be good for the baby.) AAARRGG! I go crazy thinking these things.

But then I have to tell myself, what if I can hear it? If listening for it once a week is what it's going to take for me to relax between doctor appointments, it's got to be worth it.

So today I sit here. And wait. I am secretly hoping that it comes before Hubby gets home. I'd really rather try using it by myself first. If I get frustrated with it while I use it with him around then I run the risk of taking it out on him, which I don't want to do. He's been so great about going out and getting me food for dinner. I don't want him to decide not to because I've hurt his feelings. My sense of smell and stomach won't tolerate it :o)

We have yolk!

My OB/GYN wants me to see her every week for an ultrasound until she sees the baby's heart beat. I get to see my baby's progress a lot during this second month. That should be exciting right?

Well, only when I look at the monitor and see there's something growing in my uterus.

My first appointment was last week. I went in expecting to be asked when my last menstrual period was, how am I feeling, do I have any questions? Then taken back to give a blood sample.

But I got weighed and sent back to the room with the ultrasound machine. The same room I was in the last time I was pregnant. Only that time I was told my baby wasn't alive any more. The nurse took my blood pressure and told me to undress from the waist down.

WHAAT?

"Why are we in this room?" I asked Jake.

"You're getting swabbed," he answered (his word for pap).

I looked around the room. There wasn't a lamp, so I didn't think that was it. Would we actually be getting an ultrasound?

I was a nervous wreck waiting for the doctor to come in. Since the room held a bad memory for me, it was hard for me to think that we'd get good news that day. I knew it could be too early to see anything on an ultrasound, even a vaginal one. I was having an off day and wasn't feeling very pregnant, which added to my anxiety. I actually found myself clasping my hands, closing my eyes and praying that everything would go well with this appointment.

The doctor came in and asked when my last period was and how I was feeling. Then surprised me by saying, "Lets see what's in there!"

I'll admit I got excited. But I was also so nervous I was shaking slightly.

We saw a teeny tiny gestational sac. I was so engrossed in looking at the monitor that I didn't catch the doctor saying it looked small, about three and a half weeks. It wasn't until Jake told me that later that I got concerned. I knew I should be about four and a half weeks.

The doctor said she wanted to see me every week until we saw a heart beat. I don't know if that's how she does things normally or if she wanted to monitor my progress since I had a miscarriage. If it's because of my miscarriage, then I'm glad she's seeing me more often. I've read a lot of doctors won't let you come in for extra appointments unless you've had two or more miscarriages.

The past week has been full of ups and downs emotionally. After seeing the tiny sack, I felt a calm I hadn't felt in a week. There was something there and that was good. I have continued to go back and forth between feeling pregnant and not pregnant. Then I started spotting on Saturday evening. Not red spotting, which indicates something bad is happening, but just brown blood mixed in with all the other mucous that's constantly streaming out of me. The spotting has been kind of random, only showing up in the morning and evening. It didn't even happen yesterday. I know spotting can be completely normal in pregnancy, but since my first pregnancy resulted in a miscarriage, I began to stress out. I've been having anxiety attacks for the past two days.

Today was my second ultrasound appointment and I brought up my spotting with the doctor. She seemed alarmed at first, but when the results of the ultrasound looked good, she said it was probably implantation spotting.

Jake asked the doctor if my anxiety is okay. The doctor assured him it's completely normal, especially because we had a miscarriage earlier this year. She doesn't seem concerned, but if I can't get myself to relax over the next week I'm going to have to try and remember to ask her what I can do to help myself out. I know the stress isn't good for me, and I don't want it to affect the baby.

Oh, and we saw exactly what we needed to see in today's ultrasound: a yolk sack and the beginnings of a fetal pole:

My Fetal Pole arrow looks like it's pointing to the white blob. That isn't the correct spot. The doctor thinks the fetal pole is that gray area just above that white spot.

I asked the doctor how far along I am based on this picture. She said about five and a half weeks. Right where I knew I should be.

She thinks we should be able to see a heart beat next week. I am feeling pretty relaxed now (I did a complete 180 once I saw a bigger gestational sack and yolk sac). But I don't know how long this calmness will last. I feel like I shouldn't be freaking out as much as I am. My last pregnancy went until 8 weeks and 4 days. I feel like I shouldn't be concerned with getting that far; I should be concerned with getting farther than that. But I guess once you have a miscarriage it doesn't really matter. You worry every step of the way.

My Doctor's Visit

After the horribly emotional day I had last week I decided to talk to my regular doctor about how I was feeling.

As soon as she walked into the room she asked, "What happened?"

 

I was feeling okay up until that point (nervous, but okay). As soon as she asked her question I burst into tears and told her I had a miscarriage.

She gave me long hug and let me cry for a moment.

She said she'd never had a miscarriage before, but people were probably telling me stupid things like "You're young, you have plenty of time" and "Don't worry, you'll have healthy babies".

I nodded. Finally, someone who understood that those are stupid things to say to someone who has lost a baby.

Then she told me a story about when her ex-husband had his vasectomy. His doctor turned to her and asked, "Aren't you worried that something might happen to one of your kids?"

This comment made her mad. If something happened to one of her kids, having another one wasn't going to replace it.

This made me feel better. And got me thinking. You wouldn't tell someone who had just lost, say, their mom something like, "Oh, don't worry so much. There are plenty of other mom's out there for you."

You don't want another mom. You want your mom. Because your mom is irreplaceable.

I don't want another baby. I want that baby. The one that died in my womb. Because that baby will always be irreplaceable.

It's the same thing.

I wish people weren't so dumb.

Anyhoo...

I wish this doctor could do my prenatal care. She took the time to listen and put some of my fears at ease. I felt much more comfortable talking to her than the other two doctors I saw while pregnant. I even learned a few things (because she took the time to explain them):

I'm going to feel discomfort for a while - after all, my uterus was torn up after the D&C. That takes time to heal. [Thank God. I was worried there was something wrong since I still feel discomfort and can't stand wearing my jeans.]

The fact that the first part of the pathology test came back as embryotic and not molar is a good thing. Women who have molar pregnancies have a higher risk of developing cancer. [As upset as it made me that this part of the test told me something that I already knew, I'm glad I don't have a higher risk of cancer.]

Given my history of depression and anxiety, I have a higher chance of developing postpartum depression. She commended me for being pro-active and making my appointment. [I knew this, but I liked having it reaffirmed. Jake on the other hand was not so happy to hear this when I told him about my visit.]

The chromosome test will be really helpful. It should be able to tell whether there was a fluke chromosome issue that more than likely won't happen again or my progesterone level wasn't as high as it should have been. If there was a chromosome issue that may happen again, then Jake and I can see a genetic counselor to determine which one of us is passing it on and we can get help to prevent it in the future. Even if the test comes back inconclusive, that's good. It means that there shouldn't be a problem next time. [I'm trying to keep it real though. There's always a chance that this will be a problem no matter what we do or what we're told. But this did put me at ease; my OBGYN never explained the chromosome test in this way.]

As for my emotions... I had never seen this doctor for psychological stuff before. When I tried explaining how much stress and anxiety I was in last year because of my wedding and trying to get a loan modification she just let me vent and told me weddings are supposed to be stressful and I'm not alone with mortgage issues. I wanted an anxiety pill to help mellow me out. I got a prescription for prenatal vitamins instead.

So when I went in to see her on Monday I figured she would tell me my hormones were just out of whack and if I still felt the way I felt after I got my period, come back and talk to her. I was wrong.

I've been down the depression road before -- quite far down it -- and I'm scared of walking down it again. I know the signs and even though I felt better than I did last week, I don't feel like I am fully in the clear. Like I said before, my doctor commended me for coming in to talk to her. She said being pro-active is a way to keep myself focused on the future.

She offered to put me on medication to help me out. When I told her I liked the anxiety medication I was on a few years ago, she told me it wasn't approved for pregnancies. She could put me on it, but I absolutely, positively could not get pregnant.

Well, as much as I'd love to say that I'll fully abstain from sex, I can't. I like it too much. Which means I could get pregnant. I don't want another loss so that med was kicked out as an option.

What my doctor could put me on were full on depression medicines approved for pregnancies, so if I accidentally got pregnant, or wanted to stay on it while I was pregnant, it was okay. She told me I'd have to take it at night because it would sedate me. I couldn't take it if I had to drive anywhere - it would be the same thing as driving drunk.

I had a vision of me sitting in a chair, rocking back and forth with drool dangling from my mouth and started crying again.

Now I know that isn't what it would do to me. I'd more than likely just fall asleep and stay asleep through the night. But I feel like my worse thoughts (or the most) happen during the day. I told her I'd think about the medication.

What she told me I had to do though is see a therapist. Even if it was just for a session or two. This made me cringe. This is the last thing I want to do. Jake had asked me about a month ago if I would want to go talk to someone. I didn't think I needed to.

Now I just don't want to. I don't think therapy is bad -- I've been before. It can be extremely helpful if you have the right therapist. I just don't want to talk to someone who hasn't had a miscarriage. It's hard talking to someone who hasn't. They won't fully understand how I feel even if they've talked to hundreds of women who have been in the same place as me.

I've had a few days to think over these two options. Since getting my period I feel a lot better. But friends of Jake and I are getting married on Saturday. The bride is pregnant and had conceived about 10 days before me. She was my pregnancy buddy. It's going to be tough seeing her and I'd much rather not go at all. The mere thought of seeing her makes me want to cry; I don't know how I'll handle spending time with her (and I probably will because Jake is in the wedding). If I can make it without crying the entire weekend I'm going to hold off on the medication for now. As much as I hate the idea of going to a therapist, I think I'm going to suck it up and go for at a session or two. At the very least they should be able to explain the stages of grief to me in more detail and offer some advice on coping with a loss. Or even coping with all my friends who are off having their beautiful, healthy children while I sit here and suffer.