My Doctor's Visit

After the horribly emotional day I had last week I decided to talk to my regular doctor about how I was feeling.

As soon as she walked into the room she asked, "What happened?"

 

I was feeling okay up until that point (nervous, but okay). As soon as she asked her question I burst into tears and told her I had a miscarriage.

She gave me long hug and let me cry for a moment.

She said she'd never had a miscarriage before, but people were probably telling me stupid things like "You're young, you have plenty of time" and "Don't worry, you'll have healthy babies".

I nodded. Finally, someone who understood that those are stupid things to say to someone who has lost a baby.

Then she told me a story about when her ex-husband had his vasectomy. His doctor turned to her and asked, "Aren't you worried that something might happen to one of your kids?"

This comment made her mad. If something happened to one of her kids, having another one wasn't going to replace it.

This made me feel better. And got me thinking. You wouldn't tell someone who had just lost, say, their mom something like, "Oh, don't worry so much. There are plenty of other mom's out there for you."

You don't want another mom. You want your mom. Because your mom is irreplaceable.

I don't want another baby. I want that baby. The one that died in my womb. Because that baby will always be irreplaceable.

It's the same thing.

I wish people weren't so dumb.

Anyhoo...

I wish this doctor could do my prenatal care. She took the time to listen and put some of my fears at ease. I felt much more comfortable talking to her than the other two doctors I saw while pregnant. I even learned a few things (because she took the time to explain them):

I'm going to feel discomfort for a while - after all, my uterus was torn up after the D&C. That takes time to heal. [Thank God. I was worried there was something wrong since I still feel discomfort and can't stand wearing my jeans.]

The fact that the first part of the pathology test came back as embryotic and not molar is a good thing. Women who have molar pregnancies have a higher risk of developing cancer. [As upset as it made me that this part of the test told me something that I already knew, I'm glad I don't have a higher risk of cancer.]

Given my history of depression and anxiety, I have a higher chance of developing postpartum depression. She commended me for being pro-active and making my appointment. [I knew this, but I liked having it reaffirmed. Jake on the other hand was not so happy to hear this when I told him about my visit.]

The chromosome test will be really helpful. It should be able to tell whether there was a fluke chromosome issue that more than likely won't happen again or my progesterone level wasn't as high as it should have been. If there was a chromosome issue that may happen again, then Jake and I can see a genetic counselor to determine which one of us is passing it on and we can get help to prevent it in the future. Even if the test comes back inconclusive, that's good. It means that there shouldn't be a problem next time. [I'm trying to keep it real though. There's always a chance that this will be a problem no matter what we do or what we're told. But this did put me at ease; my OBGYN never explained the chromosome test in this way.]

As for my emotions... I had never seen this doctor for psychological stuff before. When I tried explaining how much stress and anxiety I was in last year because of my wedding and trying to get a loan modification she just let me vent and told me weddings are supposed to be stressful and I'm not alone with mortgage issues. I wanted an anxiety pill to help mellow me out. I got a prescription for prenatal vitamins instead.

So when I went in to see her on Monday I figured she would tell me my hormones were just out of whack and if I still felt the way I felt after I got my period, come back and talk to her. I was wrong.

I've been down the depression road before -- quite far down it -- and I'm scared of walking down it again. I know the signs and even though I felt better than I did last week, I don't feel like I am fully in the clear. Like I said before, my doctor commended me for coming in to talk to her. She said being pro-active is a way to keep myself focused on the future.

She offered to put me on medication to help me out. When I told her I liked the anxiety medication I was on a few years ago, she told me it wasn't approved for pregnancies. She could put me on it, but I absolutely, positively could not get pregnant.

Well, as much as I'd love to say that I'll fully abstain from sex, I can't. I like it too much. Which means I could get pregnant. I don't want another loss so that med was kicked out as an option.

What my doctor could put me on were full on depression medicines approved for pregnancies, so if I accidentally got pregnant, or wanted to stay on it while I was pregnant, it was okay. She told me I'd have to take it at night because it would sedate me. I couldn't take it if I had to drive anywhere - it would be the same thing as driving drunk.

I had a vision of me sitting in a chair, rocking back and forth with drool dangling from my mouth and started crying again.

Now I know that isn't what it would do to me. I'd more than likely just fall asleep and stay asleep through the night. But I feel like my worse thoughts (or the most) happen during the day. I told her I'd think about the medication.

What she told me I had to do though is see a therapist. Even if it was just for a session or two. This made me cringe. This is the last thing I want to do. Jake had asked me about a month ago if I would want to go talk to someone. I didn't think I needed to.

Now I just don't want to. I don't think therapy is bad -- I've been before. It can be extremely helpful if you have the right therapist. I just don't want to talk to someone who hasn't had a miscarriage. It's hard talking to someone who hasn't. They won't fully understand how I feel even if they've talked to hundreds of women who have been in the same place as me.

I've had a few days to think over these two options. Since getting my period I feel a lot better. But friends of Jake and I are getting married on Saturday. The bride is pregnant and had conceived about 10 days before me. She was my pregnancy buddy. It's going to be tough seeing her and I'd much rather not go at all. The mere thought of seeing her makes me want to cry; I don't know how I'll handle spending time with her (and I probably will because Jake is in the wedding). If I can make it without crying the entire weekend I'm going to hold off on the medication for now. As much as I hate the idea of going to a therapist, I think I'm going to suck it up and go for at a session or two. At the very least they should be able to explain the stages of grief to me in more detail and offer some advice on coping with a loss. Or even coping with all my friends who are off having their beautiful, healthy children while I sit here and suffer.