Another Kind of Two Week Wait

Two more weeks One week and six days until my due date. I'm not as anxious as I would be during the two week wait to find out I'm pregnant. Or the wait to see when I'm ovulating. Although, I'm doing as much peeing as I did during those times.

This is a different kind of two week wait. It's a wait to see if Little Guy will arrive before or on his due date. It brings on a whole new range of questions for me. When will I go into labor? Will I go over and have to consider induction? Or will he arrive on time and I can aim for the completely natural childbirth I've envisioned for the last five months? What if I go into labor at work? Or when I'm out in public place by myself?

I realized the other day that I'm doing a lot of things I did in my first trimester -- minus the extreme anxiety.

I'm constantly running to the bathroom to pee. But do I really have to go when I get there? Not really. Since Little Guy is running out of room, he'll often press up against my bladder which makes me think I have to go. Then I'm lucky if it's more than a trickle. On the other hand, if I've been sitting a long time I don't feel the urge to pee at all. Until I stand up. Then I can't make it to the bathroom fast enough.

During my first trimester I was constantly checking my panties and the toilet for blood, indicating a miscarriage. Now when I go to the bathroom I'm checking my panties and the toilet for a bloody show and my mucous plug. (Actually, I think I may have lost a small part of the plug this morning, but I will have to confirm that with my doctor on Wednesday.)

During my two week wait I analyzed every little feeling, pain, and twinge I got, wondering if it was due to pregnancy or if I was due to get my period. Once my pregnancy was deemed viable, I was analyzed every cramp and growing pain I felt wondering if I was about to lose the baby. Now I'm analyzing every twinge and cramp, wondering if it's truly a sign that labor will begin shortly.

During my first trimester I was anxious to the point of having panic attacks. I'm thankful that I'm not that anxious now. It's there, but not as bad as it was in the beginning. It's still in the forefront of my mind that until I deliver Little Guy and I see that he's breathing and doing okay, I can still lose him at some point. He's been such an active baby in the womb that I worry (a lot) when I realize I haven't felt strong movements from him in a few hours. Anxiety hasn't ever not been a part of Little Guy's pregnancy.

I have the feeling that Little Guy will be late and I'll either go into labor on my own in April or will be induced right before Easter. Which means I really have more of a 3 - 3.5 week wait ahead of me. But you know what? Right now I'm okay with that. So many women I have known were ready to be done being pregnant by 38 weeks. I'm not. The only thing I'm done with is work -- but I have to wait until I go into labor or the beginning of April to start my leave. My pelvic pain isn't nearly as bad as it was in my second trimester, so I haven't had a lot of trouble walking around lately. I think that pain was my biggest complaint during the entire pregnancy. I really don't have a lot to complain about at the moment, other than being tired. I wonder, if I feel this good at 38 weeks then how good would I have felt during my second trimester if I hadn't constantly gotten sick?

I know I've had complaints, but overall I like being pregnant. I'm actually trying to enjoy these last few weeks of pregnancy. Something I wish I could have done, and even regret I couldn't do, eight months ago.

Sonoline B

One minute I'll be content with being pregnant, another I'll be happy, and another I'll be flipping out because I think something is wrong.

I think some women are told, "If you don't have bleeding, then everything is fine."

I beg to differ. I, unfortunately, know that you don't have to bleed for something to be wrong. And this is what is making this pregnancy so terrifying for me. If my miscarriage had ended with bleeding, then evey day that I've gone without seeing blood would be a blessing and I'd be thanking God everything is okay still. But that's not what happened. I didn't realize something was wrong until four weeks after my first ultrasound.

I guess it's normal for a pregnant woman to go through a wide range of emotions, with all the hormones running through her and all. But sometimes I feel like my feelings of fear and anxiety are taken to a whole new extreme given my situation.

So, given my situation, I caved earlier this week and ordered a Sonoline B fetal doppler. It should come in the mail today. I felt pretty good about my decision. For about five minutes. Then I started panicking again. What if I get it and I can't hear the heart beat? (This is my number one fear.) I didn't discuss getting a doppler with my doctor, will she get upset I bought one after I call in a panic and she winds up finding it for me? (She made me feel like it's time for me to stop being anxious and relax when I saw her at my last appointment. I think she'd think I am nuts for even considering buying a doppler and I don't really want to be chastised for it.) What if using it really isn't good for the baby? (I've read several posts on message boards that indicate some studies say it may not be good for the baby.) AAARRGG! I go crazy thinking these things.

But then I have to tell myself, what if I can hear it? If listening for it once a week is what it's going to take for me to relax between doctor appointments, it's got to be worth it.

So today I sit here. And wait. I am secretly hoping that it comes before Hubby gets home. I'd really rather try using it by myself first. If I get frustrated with it while I use it with him around then I run the risk of taking it out on him, which I don't want to do. He's been so great about going out and getting me food for dinner. I don't want him to decide not to because I've hurt his feelings. My sense of smell and stomach won't tolerate it :o)