ICLW: August 2012

Hi fellow ICLWers!

I'm hopping on to welcome you to my blog. I took this week off to unpack and organize our new apartment, so I don't really have the time to write something super awesome. (Actually, I could, but Hubby wouldn't be too pleased.) When I signed up to participate this month I didn't know we'd be closing on our condo and moving into a new place so close to this week.

A quick run down:

We lost a little girl in an early missed miscarriage the beginning of 2011. I was about 8w4d pregnant when I lost her and didn't find out until my 12 week appointment. I had a D&C that same night. We found out she had Monosomy X.

I got pregnant with our rainbow baby, Baby G, several months later and he will be 5 months old on Monday.

I was officially diagnosed with postpartum depression at my 6 week follow up appointment after Baby G's birth; however, I believe it really started after my miscarriage. It was just harder to diagnose because of the loss of a much wanted and much loved baby. My midwife started me on some Happy Pills which I have started weening myself off of in the hopes my hormones and emotions are back to some kind of normalcy (they never really were to begin with). I still have days that I feel like the depression is getting the best of me, but I'm hoping that I don't have to go back on the meds.

And that's pretty much it! Since having Baby G I don't get to blog as often as I'd like, but I hope to write a few posts this week so you all have something fairly new to read when you come visit.

Thank you so much for taking the time to stop by!

ICLW - May 2012

Welcome, ICLWers, to my little nook of the internet. I look forward to reading about your journeys and ramblings over the next week.

This is my second time attempting ICLW. I say attempt because I'm really great at reading your blogs, okay at commenting, and terrible at commenting back. I was on the fence about participating this month because I'm finishing up my maternity leave (tomorrow is my last day -- BOO!) and Baby G keeps me super busy. Seriously, as soon as I turned on my laptop he started fussing. It's difficult to read and comment when you have a newborn. But I should have some time to sneak in some reading and commenting when I return to work.


A quick bio: I got pregnant in December 2010 and found out I'd had a missed miscarriage in February 2011. I had a D&C that same day. I got pregnant with my rainbow baby, Baby G, in July 2011 and he was born two months ago tomorrow. This blog has been my source of therapy over the last 15 months or so as I have sorted through my feelings regarding the loss of my baby girl, and I have been very grateful in finding the Stirrup Queen's list of blogs. Being able connect with others who are going/have gone through similar situations as me as made me feel less lonely and knowing that my story is out there for others to read, relate to, and help them feel less lonely as well has given me the warm fuzzies on a couple of occasions.


You can read more about how my blog evolved here.

Thoughts on my first ICLW

I completed my first IComLeavWe this past week. I didn't think it would be hard, but finding the time to read, comment, and reply to the comments made on my blog proved very hard with my schedule. That said, here are my thoughts on my first ICLW:

 

• I want to do this again. It was comforting coming across a blogger who had the same thoughts and fears I have felt over the last year. It definitely made me feel less alone. It also made me feel good to have the opportunity give advice or let others know, Hey, I've been there. I know how you feel!
• Next time I participate, I need to make sure I really have time to to it. Because of my busy schedule, I was doing most of my reading and commenting of other blogs at work. I realized quickly that this wasn't the best plan. So many posts brought me to tears as I got glimpses into other peoples lives and losses and struggles. Anyone who is willing to put their stories out there is brave and I admire all of them, whether I read their blog or not. I did this during the one year anniversary of finding out about the loss of my first baby. I was an emotional mess for the first two days of ICLW, which probably attributed to some of the water works. At least I could have played off the tears as third trimester hormones if anyone had questioned me. 
• I found a few more blogs to follow. Yay for 4am reading material! 
• I am not totally sure what to say in my comments to blogs I visited. I apologize if any of them seemed awkward. I'm used to just reading blogs and ICLW started to help come out of my Blogger Shell a little. There were a lot of blogs written by women struggling with infertility. I haven't had a problem with getting pregnant. I have only had one loss and it was an early one at that. I have only felt the fear and worry that I could have problems conceiving and staying pregnant. It made me feel like I am in a category all my own. A simple "Hello from ICLW" didn't seem to be enough. But I didn't always know how to write a relateable comment either. I'll admit, the fear of the writers coming over to my blog only to see that I've had one loss and really no struggle to get pregnant kept me from commenting on a lot of blogs. I'm hoping that the more I get into blogging and putting myself out there, the easier all this will become for me. 
• On the flip side, even if I've been scared to comment, some of those women haven't been scared to leave comments for me and welcome me into the community. It definitely made me happy that I found Stirrup Queens' blog and gave ICLW a shot. 
• I suck at commenting back. I'm not used to having people comment on my blog, so it was a struggle to even remember to check for them every day. It was also a new experience to pick a comment to comment back on. I felt like it would be polite to respond to every ones comments, but there just don't seem to be enough hours in the day for me at the moment. I cheated, picked the post that had the most comments and wrote a general one back to everyone who wrote one. This does not make me feel good about myself and I vow to be a lot better the next time I sign up.

I'm on the fence about participating this month. My due date is the 28th. I could very well get through it all with no problem. But I can't help but think, What if I have my baby during that week? I won't be able to follow through again. For sure I'm planning on doing it again in April when I'm on leave though!

Going public and IComLeavWe

When I started this blog, my original intention was to blog about my experiences about being pregnant and mommyhood. I wanted it to be something for my children and their significant others to look back on, maybe even use it as a reference on pregnancy symptoms and what to expect since there is still so much people don't tell you about pregnancy and giving birth.

When I got pregnant the first time I considered using my blog as a way for friends and family to keep in touch with how the baby and I were doing.

That all changed when I found out I miscarried our first baby. I soon realized that my blog was the best form of therapy I could have. As a person who has a lot of trouble expressing how she feels verbally, I found I was able to express my thoughts and feelings with minimal effort, without having to explain my feelings to other people who didn't understand what I was going through, by writing.

So my blog sat unshared with the world for several months while I sorted out my feelings and tried to pull myself away from the fine line I was walking between grief and depression.

I'm not over my grief. Not at all. It's been about 13 monts since our first little one died and tomorrow will mark the 1 year anniversary I found out about it. There isn't a day that has gone by that I haven't thought about her. But I am more motivated to do more than lay in bed and cry. And that's good.

I struggled with trying to find a group of people who I could relate to. I found that there were plenty of blogs out there with people struggling with infertility. But I couldn't find any for a person in my position: someone who lost their first baby and had no idea if she could or would produce a live, full term baby.

When I got pregnant with Little Guy I took my first plunge and I added my blog link to my signature on the baby website I frequent. I wasn't so sure about doing this, but the more I wrote on my blog, the more I wanted others know that yes, miscarriages happen and yes, they suck, but no, they aren't they only ones who have been through it. I wanted my blog to be something I didn't have during my loneliest and most bitter days. Something others going through a similar experience could read and take comfort in knowing there was someone out there who has gone through, or going through, the same thing. Because it is so easy to get pissed off whenever you see a pregnancy announcement on Facebook, or you want to cry at the sight of a pregnant woman or baby, or you start to think something is wrong with you when you're still grieving over a loss that happened months ago and people say you "should be over it by now".

I recently came across the Stirrup Queens blog. She has lists of blogs for almost every type of parenting situation: IVF, adoption, pregnancy after loss, living child free, PCOS, among others.

I took a look around, read a few blogs, and wanted to cry. Not just because I was reading about people brave enough to share their feelings and stories, but also because this was just the kind of thing I was searching for 11 months ago but for some reason couldn't find. I think I may have been too wrapped up in what I was feeling to take the time to look hard enough.

I am happy to say that this blog is now listed under Pregnancy After Loss.

And Stirrup Queens does something that I think is really neat. Every month she reminds us about International Comment Leaving Week ("IComLeavWe"). The link leads you to the explaination, but if you don't have time for that, I'll give you a quick run down: if you want to participate you just need to add your blog to the list of participants during the open enrollment period. Then, during the 21st though the 28th of every month you leave a comment (daily) on 5 different blogs from the list and respond to a comment someone left on your blog.

I've signed up as a participant this month to start sharing my experiences and hopefully connect with people out there in Blog World. And maybe give me a kick in the pants to try and post to my blog more often. I have a never ending list of topics to write about. I just don't always have the time. I'd blog at work if I wasn't so scared of getting in trouble. (Although, I may or may not have downloaded a blogging app so I can write drafts about all the things that run through my head during the day!)

I can't say putting my thoughts and feelings out there for the world to read doesn't scare me. I am the kind of person who worries about what people think of her, especially if I throw something out there that not everyone would agree with. Making the decision to put my blog out there for others to read was a hard one to make, but hopefully one that was worth making.