Going public and IComLeavWe

When I started this blog, my original intention was to blog about my experiences about being pregnant and mommyhood. I wanted it to be something for my children and their significant others to look back on, maybe even use it as a reference on pregnancy symptoms and what to expect since there is still so much people don't tell you about pregnancy and giving birth.

When I got pregnant the first time I considered using my blog as a way for friends and family to keep in touch with how the baby and I were doing.

That all changed when I found out I miscarried our first baby. I soon realized that my blog was the best form of therapy I could have. As a person who has a lot of trouble expressing how she feels verbally, I found I was able to express my thoughts and feelings with minimal effort, without having to explain my feelings to other people who didn't understand what I was going through, by writing.

So my blog sat unshared with the world for several months while I sorted out my feelings and tried to pull myself away from the fine line I was walking between grief and depression.

I'm not over my grief. Not at all. It's been about 13 monts since our first little one died and tomorrow will mark the 1 year anniversary I found out about it. There isn't a day that has gone by that I haven't thought about her. But I am more motivated to do more than lay in bed and cry. And that's good.

I struggled with trying to find a group of people who I could relate to. I found that there were plenty of blogs out there with people struggling with infertility. But I couldn't find any for a person in my position: someone who lost their first baby and had no idea if she could or would produce a live, full term baby.

When I got pregnant with Little Guy I took my first plunge and I added my blog link to my signature on the baby website I frequent. I wasn't so sure about doing this, but the more I wrote on my blog, the more I wanted others know that yes, miscarriages happen and yes, they suck, but no, they aren't they only ones who have been through it. I wanted my blog to be something I didn't have during my loneliest and most bitter days. Something others going through a similar experience could read and take comfort in knowing there was someone out there who has gone through, or going through, the same thing. Because it is so easy to get pissed off whenever you see a pregnancy announcement on Facebook, or you want to cry at the sight of a pregnant woman or baby, or you start to think something is wrong with you when you're still grieving over a loss that happened months ago and people say you "should be over it by now".

I recently came across the Stirrup Queens blog. She has lists of blogs for almost every type of parenting situation: IVF, adoption, pregnancy after loss, living child free, PCOS, among others.

I took a look around, read a few blogs, and wanted to cry. Not just because I was reading about people brave enough to share their feelings and stories, but also because this was just the kind of thing I was searching for 11 months ago but for some reason couldn't find. I think I may have been too wrapped up in what I was feeling to take the time to look hard enough.

I am happy to say that this blog is now listed under Pregnancy After Loss.

And Stirrup Queens does something that I think is really neat. Every month she reminds us about International Comment Leaving Week ("IComLeavWe"). The link leads you to the explaination, but if you don't have time for that, I'll give you a quick run down: if you want to participate you just need to add your blog to the list of participants during the open enrollment period. Then, during the 21st though the 28th of every month you leave a comment (daily) on 5 different blogs from the list and respond to a comment someone left on your blog.

I've signed up as a participant this month to start sharing my experiences and hopefully connect with people out there in Blog World. And maybe give me a kick in the pants to try and post to my blog more often. I have a never ending list of topics to write about. I just don't always have the time. I'd blog at work if I wasn't so scared of getting in trouble. (Although, I may or may not have downloaded a blogging app so I can write drafts about all the things that run through my head during the day!)

I can't say putting my thoughts and feelings out there for the world to read doesn't scare me. I am the kind of person who worries about what people think of her, especially if I throw something out there that not everyone would agree with. Making the decision to put my blog out there for others to read was a hard one to make, but hopefully one that was worth making.