I wish on the first star I see at night. I make wishes every time I blow out candles on my birthday cake. I even make a wish whenever I look at a clock and see that the numbers are all the same (such as, 3:33pm or 11:11am). On the first of every month I'll say, "White Rabbit" in the hopes of having good luck that month.
This baby has brought out some new neurotic behavior in myself. I have been scared to follow the same path as I did with our first little one, worried that things will end in another loss.
I waited a lot longer that 12 weeks to make announcements about this pregnancy. With #1 we told our families and close friends between 8 and 10 weeks. Then I sent a mass email to the people I worked with at my part time job just a few days before my 12 week appointment. The appointment I found out we lost our baby at 8 weeks 4 days at. I was still getting congratulatory emails from people as I sat in the waiting room listening to the receptionist schedule my D&C for that same evening. I know I had no control over what happened, but it was no less embarrassing to have to send out another email taking back what I announced three days before that.
This time we waited 10 weeks to tell our families, and only because we were going to Cancun and I couldn't live with the idea of something happening to one of our family members and them never knowing I was pregnant again. Otherwise I would have waited until 12 weeks. We told close friends and co-workers around 12 weeks. I emailed the group of co-workers at my (former) part time job after my 20 week ultrasound. I didn't announce it on Face Book until I started my third trimester. I only ever announced my pregnancy if I had just come home from a doctor appointment or if I had listened to the baby on the doppler that day. I was honestly scared that announcing my pregnancy would result in a loss. I couldn't handle having to take back my news a second time.
I refused to write "and baby" in my moms birthday card this year. We broke the news to my parents on her birthday last year. We presented her with a cake that said "Happy Birthday Grannie" and four days later our baby died. I also refused to write "and baby" in Hubby's Valentine's Day card today, as I did the same thing last year and found out about a week later the baby wasn't even alive that day.
I took a pregnancy test and confirmed I was indeed pregnant on Christmas Eve. I don't plan on ever taking another one of those tests on a significant day again. We found out we lost #1 on President's Day. My next OB appointment falls on President's Day week. It would be so convenient to have scheduled it then, when Hubby and I don't have to work. But I couldn't. I can't get myself to schedule doctor appointments on significant days. (Well, with the exception of today, which I will write about tomorrow).
It rained the day I found out we lost #1. Now I freak out whenever rain is forecasted for the day I have a doctor appointment. I won't go as far as to reschedule my appointment. Because that would be, you know, crazy. Except for one appointment, the rain has ended up staying away anyway.
If you didn't think so before, you probably think I'm whacked out of my gourd. That's fine. I realize that these things won't stop another loss from happening.
I believe our little angel is watching over her brother and I have had the sense from the beginning that Little Guy will be born and we'll be bringing our rainbow baby home. I couldn't shake the feeling with our first little one that that wasn't going to happen. I was right. If I was right about that then I should have confidence that I will get to meet Little Guy soon, right?
Right. I should. But I still feel compelled to try and avoid similarities. Because I don't want to take a chance and find out I was really wrong.
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