I came across this discussion on one of the pregnancy message boards I read. It seemed the general consensus was the same: you become a mom when you become pregnant.
But not everyone actually feels like a mom when they become pregnant. For some, the reality doesn't really sink in until they give birth to their little baby (or babies) and are faced with the responsibility of taking care of their little one(s) outside the womb.
I have thought about this question a lot over the last 12 months and I find myself frustrated sometimes. I consider myself a mom. I have since I saw my first little one on the TV screen at my very first prenatal visit over a year ago. But I don't think society would consider me to be a mom. With this pregnancy, when people ask if its my first, I say yes. Then I feel guilty, because deep down I consider Little Guy my second. People seem so excited when they see my belly that I don't want to be a kill joy by saying my first was a loss, yet I feel like I'm cheating myself and my little girl by not acknowledging to others she at one point existed in my life.
On message boards I say I'm a first time mom, but I feel like I'm lying. I'm a first time mom because I have yet to bring a living child into this world and when I do he will (hopefully) be my first living child out of the womb. That is when the reality should hit me and I'll have to learn how to be a little less selfish and pour my energy into caring for and nurturing a little human.
But doesn't that kind of start in utero? I have to remember to take pills to make sure the baby and I are getting sufficient nutrients. I have to eat better and even give up certain foods and drinks because they can bring harm to my growing baby. For the first three months of this pregnancy I didn't feel like I was going through anything for the first time. I had been through the first trimester before. I knew what to do.
It all kind of makes me wonder, if I give birth to Little Guy full term but he is stillborn, would I still be considered a first time mom the next time I get pregnant?
I could be on my own with this thought, but I have a feeling that, according to "everyone" else, the answer is probably yes. Because I haven't had the luxury of taking care of a baby outside the womb. Because to a lot of people who haven't been pregnant, a mom is someone who takes care of a living child.
I think someone needs to coin a term for those of us who have been through part or all of pregnancy but don't have a baby to show for it. We're like in between mothers. Pregnancy is not totally new to us, but we haven't had the chance to care for a live baby either.
When did you mommies out there feel like you were officially a mother?
A term I read that worked for me is BLM (baby loss mom). It doesn't usually work in 'mixed' company, but it works for me and helped with some of the feelings you are talking about having now.
ReplyDeleteI used to feel incredibly guilty when someone would ask if it was my first (when I was pregnant with my second and third angels) and I would say yes. Then I would feel guilty if people would ask me if I had children and I'd say no.
Now, I tend to care less what other people think. Every once in a while, when someone asks me if I have children, if I need/want to I'll say yes, that she died before she was born. In my opinion recovering from loss is entirely personal, and sometimes the world just has to deal with us and our awkward.
I can't answer this from the mommy perspective, but I can say that I don't feel like I was a mother to the little one we lost. Although I was greatly attached to it, it didn't feel real enough to me yet that I could be its mother, perhaps because we were only in the second month.
ReplyDeleteI don't know yet what I'll say the next time around (no jinx!) when I'm asked if it's my first. Probably just yes, or "yes, the first living" if I really want to cause a commotion. In some ways it would feel like the first, because it would be the first time the rest of the world would know about a pregnancy of ours.
Interesting questions and thoughts, thank you for sharing.