My Little Blue Pill

I was prescribed a little blue pill at my postpartum check up a couple six weeks ago.

It fits neatly in the palm of my hand and I have no problem swallowing it.

It's my Happy Pill.

In the six weeks after having Baby G I was feeling overwhealmed. I was having weekly daily meltdowns. I didn't want to see anybody, and the prospect of visitors or spending time with anyone other than Baby G or Hubby made me miserable. By the end of the six weeks I was starting to ignore Baby G's cries, waiting for someone else to pick him up and console him, even if  I was the only one with him. When I started crying at the question, "How are you doing?" I knew something was wrong. I needed help.

I wasnt sure if I was simply overwhelmed with being a new mother or if I was straight up depressed. I knew the possiblilty of me being depressed was very likely. I was told I had postpartum depression after my miscarriage. My family doctor offered to put me on something, but I declined. I didn't want to be taking something when I knew I was going to start trying to have another baby.

At my postpartum check up the midwife asked a bunch of questions:

Are you crying a lot?
How is breast feeding?
Do you enjoy breast feeding?
Are you uninterested in things?


As I ranted in a previous post, I haven't been a huge fan of breast feeding. This surprised the midwife. When I told her I didn't have much interest in things anymore she nodded and said, "There is your depression." Then she wrote me a script and explained why it is such a big deal.

I knew postpartum depression is a big deal. You hear about women who constantly cry and put babies in microwaves. But the midwife opened my eyes to another prospective.

Postpartum depression can have lasting affects on your baby's social skills.

I have always said that babies and children are smarter than grown ups give them credit for. They can feel tension in a room, even if it not directed at them and instead of being happy, they are going to be irritable.

Babies learn social cues through their parents and caregivers. If they are feeling sad or out of sorts then the aren't going to be feeling very social able. If the baby doesn't learn social cues early on from a fully engaged parent, then they might have trouble knowing how to behave when they are older.

Or something like that. Basically, I I don't get happy and engaged in life again I am setting up Baby G up for a life of social awkwardness.

I noticed a huge difference in myself just one week after starting my Happy Pills. I wasn't crying hysterically every day. I was starting to be more engaged with Baby G.

I did't know just how much I was thinking I was doing until the pills kicked in. Suddenly I could think without having another thought sidetrack me. I wasn't worried about multiple things.

This isn't the first time I've been on an anti-depressant. And anti-depressants tend to make me emotionally numb. I think the only reason why I wasn't a blubbering mess my first day back at work was because the Happy Pills were doing just that, making me happy. Mellowing me out. I have been more than a little frustrated over it though. Hubby made the comment that I seemed to be okay with being back at work. I'm not. I'm hating having to get up at 5:30am to make sure I have everything packed up for both Baby G and my day. This is even though I had cleaned pump parts the night before, I got G's milk set out to thaw, and restocked his diaper bag and made my lunch for the day. Upon arriving home I promptly feed Baby G and have to keep him entertained while Hubby takes a shower. Then I have to clean pump parts, divide milk into storage bags and unpack Baby G's dirty clothes and my lunch. Next thing I know Baby G needs to be fed again and is ready for an evening nap. Hubby and I scarf down dinner and then get Baby G ready for bed. There is no time to truly enjoy my time with Baby G, or my husband. Or myself. I told hubby the pills were giving everyone the illusion I was okay, but I was really dying inside.

Being able to think more cleaerly, I have thought about this last year an a half. I realized I truly haven't been happy in over a year. I realized I really have been depressed, not just grieving, over the loss of my baby girl.

In the past week the crying has returned. And I have been getting overwhealmed again. Over silly things. Like baking brownies the other night. Hubby had to take over so I wouldn't have a meltdown.

But I want a meltdown. It's just that the Happy Pills are preventing all but a few tears to fall.

Would quitting my job help? Hubby asked. Is my problem that I would rather be home with Baby G full time?

To be honest, quitting my job would not solve my problem. But neither is working full time. My two months of maternity leave we're exhausting. And I see now that if I had gotten help sooner, maybe I would have enjoyed them more. I feel awful leaving Baby G each morning, especially if he is awake. When I leaves he'll smile at me like, Hey let's play! and it hurts my heart to have to say goodbye because the mornings are the best with him. He is rested and alert. Not cranky and tired like he tends to be in the evenings.

But financially, we can't afford for me to be a SAHM. And I like being able to leave the house. And eat breakfast and lunch without listening to a baby cry because he is fighting his nap.

Why am I sharing this? Because postpartum depression is a taboo subject just like miscarriage. And it happens more than we think.

I go back to the OB later this week. I do plan on discussing upping the dosage of my Happy Pills, although I don't really want to do it.