Rant: I Miss Sleep

Last night was rough. Hubby came home claiming he was tired. I shot him a look that told him I didn't care to hear about it. He's tired?! He hasn't had to spend over a solid day alone with Baby G yet. I understand that he has to get up at 4am to get ready for work. I understand his job is a manual labor job and it makes him tired. But taking care of Baby G is work too. And I don't get a chance to clock out at the end of the day. I'm not sitting at home either watching soaps or napping.
What was the plan for letting me sleep this weekend? I asked him after waking him up while he sat on the couch with Baby G. Clearly he needed to sleep; his grip kept slipping off of Baby G and it was not only making me nervous, it was making me mad. Baby G, who had been pretty decent last week, decided to start cluster feeding last weekend and it continued through this week. He demanded to feed every hour. He slept okay at night, but during the day it was horrible. I'd be on the brink of tears when Hubby got home from work, and then I'd have to wait another 2 hours while he cleaned up from work.

I believe I've mentioned it before, but the lack of sleep is the one thing that terrified me before having a baby. I'm not one who can sleep the day away, but I do need about 8 hours of it it to function during the day. And when I'm at the beck and call of either a crying baby or a breast pump every 2-3 hours 24/7, it's a little hard to catch some Z's.

This was my first full week taking care of Baby G by myself while Hubby was at work. It's been exhausting. When people tell you it's hard work and you have no idea what it's really like (or going to be like if you've yet to experience it), it's true. You really have no idea until you're in the thick of it.

Don't get me wrong. Baby G has had a few good days. And until a couple of days ago, he, for the most part, was sleeping 3-5 hour stretches at night. I was the one waking him up to eat. Go figure.

I miss those nights...

Every morning this week Hubby told me to sleep when Baby G slept. Ha, yeah right. I think that happened twice this week. And only for about 30 minutes. As soon as I fell asleep Baby G wanted to be fed. And then there was the lovely day where G just wouldn't sleep. He was up at 8am and I couldn't get him to go to sleep in his crib until 11pm. He wouldn't let me put him down. I couldn't go to the bathroom. I ate baby carrots all day that day because it was the only thing that was easy to nibble on.

I'm not eating right. I'm lucky if I can eat half of my breakfast and I'm even luckier if I can have a bite of lunch before G is ready to be up. Breastfeeding makes me ravenous and Hubby just doesn't seem to understand why, at 4pm when he walks through the door, I'm demanding dinner and get agitated when he drags his feet and we don't eat until 8pm.

I'm not drinking enough water. I'm constantly thirsty. I guess I still have a lot to learn with positioning Baby G when I feed him. I read and hear about women who read, email, drink, and eat while breastfeeding. How do you do it? I guess another problem is the fact that I just don't have a place to sit to breastfeed that has a table within arm's reach for me to conveniently grab a glass of water, what with living in a one bedroom condo with limited space and all.

Anyway, back to last night...

I sent Hubby to bed, telling him that at some point in the next day I need to sleep. I finally got G to stay asleep in his crib. It was just after 10pm. I set camp on the couch and fell sleep. An hour later G woke up. It wasn't the 2-4 hour stretch I was anticipating or hoping for.

I sat on the couch, put Baby G to my boob and began crying. No. Sobbing. Hubby, who was sleeping in the bed next to G didn't make an attempt at getting up to check on him. No. That's apparently my job because I'm the one with the boobs and I don't have to go anywhere during the day. I sat alone on the couch feeding G, sobbing, all the while listening to Hubby snore loudly in the next room.

Why does he get out of this? He could have at least gotten up and brought G to me! I wanted to march in there and beat Hubby with a pillow.

Eventually, after about thirty minutes of intense sobbing, telling Baby G that I was sorry I was crying all over him and for being so stressed out and upset, and that I really do love him, Hubby came out to check on me. I gave G a couple more minutes on the boob to assure myself he really was just sucking for suckings sake, not because he was eating, and told Hubby he needed burp him.

As Hubby burped, I continued to sob. He managed to put G to bed and then I tried letting Hubby into my head in a civilized manner: I'm exhausted. I understand Hubby has to get up and go to work, but the boob sucking and struggling to get G to take a nap in the crib that lasts more than 10 minutes is hard. And I've done it all week, pretty much alone. I just want to be able to have a drink of water, eat something, and sleep. Holding G, almost constantly during the day, takes a toll on my body physically. And it really isn't alway holding. G can't seem to sit sill when I'm holding him. He's either trying to crawl sideways to my boobs or crawl up me to look over my shoulder (I've never known a newborn to do this!). My arms hurt from holding him. My back hurts. I don't have a comfortable place to breastfeed and I feel like that's making what is supposed to be a wonderful bonding experience into a chore. And, worst of all, if I'm this tired now, what will things be like when I go back to work next month? Things can't continue the way they are now when that time comes, and I have no idea how to make everyone's schedules mesh so that we all get what we need.

I had to get up with G three more times by myself. Hubby snored his way through the hungry cries, lights being turnd on, the screeching while I fumbled through diaper changes and getting peed on, and more of my crying. At 6am I had had enough. While I took a break from feeding to burp G, I woke Hubby up to tell him, as politely as I could, he needed to take the next feeding. It's the weekend and he doesn't have anywhere to go afterall. I wanted to sleep.

Hubby ended up getting up then to get ready for the day. After I gave him the rundown of G's general morning sleeping and eating pattern, he made me get into bed and said he would take a shower and pay a few bills before G woke up. G woke up about an hour later and I didn't get anymore sleep after that. When Hubby gives G a relief bottle, we've been trying to warm the pumped milk in a cup of warm/hot water from the tap. It takes a while for the hot water to get hot and then there is the wait while the bottle warms up. This doesn't make G happy, especially when he can generally get what he wants within a minute.

So I laid awake listening to G scream and cry while Hubby did a diaper change, a feed, and some burping. The whole time I laid in bed resisting the urge to go to them and take over. Mostly because I couldn't stand listening to G cry, especially knowing I could give him what he needed and wanted within seconds. And partly becuase I was anxious that Hubby wasn't doing things "right". We may not have any kind of set schedule yet, but this week I have noticed there is a small method to the madness and there has at least been some kind of morning routine that Hubby hasn't really been privy to.

I emerged around 10:30am. I asked Hubby if he managed to pay his bills. He said no. I couldn't help but smirk at that.

To try and get me some time to myself before I completely lose it, and mostly in the hopes of letting me take a nap, Hubby took G to his sister's house this evening so his parents could visit with him for a little bit. But I can't sleep. I have separation anxiety. I am worn out by the crying, fussing and boob sucking, but I don't like being away from G either. Plus I have a feeling that as soon as I lay my head down on the pillow and close my eyes, the two of them will walk back through the door. I'll be forced to resume the roll of caregiver as soon as they do, so I feel like I may as well stay up. (And blog something... I've missed this!)

Even if Hubby gives G a bottle I have to pump, but pumping seems to be much less demanding physically and mentally for me at the moment. I'm planning on writing something on my feelings on breastfeeding at some point because the last three weeks have definitely given me things to think about on the subject, but I must say that I give the women out there who do it 24/7, with no pumping at all, props!

End rant :o)