Ready or Not....

Little Guy could be here tomorrow!

This morning I went back to the doctor for my follow up appointment. I felt like throwing up, my blood pressure was high again, my nerves were on overdrive. Hubby and I discussed the possibility of having to be induced.

And we were right. I was taking my blood pressure at home three times a day since Friday, and even though it was below 140/90 most of the time, I did have a couple of spikes (I found these spikes were when I was stressed out -- such as when my parents came to visit me and when Hubby decided to watch TV instead of clean like I asked him to). The doctor reviewed my numbers and determined it was better to have my baby sooner rather than later.

Sooner being tonight or tomorrow.

She gave me an internal check. My cervix still doesn't show signs of being ready to have a baby (although I know that doesn't mean anything!). So in about two hours I'll be making a trip to the hospital to have a prostagladin gel inserted onto my cervix to try and soften and efface it. For some women this gel is enough to start labor. I'm hoping I will get that lucky, but I've already decided that babies like my uterus. I make them a nice home and they don't want to leave on their own terms. So I'm preparing myself for the likelihood of going back to the hospital tomorrow morning (6:30am -- ugh!) so the doctor can start me on pitocin.

The dreaded Pitocin. The one drug I wanted to avoid more than any other.

Even though I have been telling myself for months that things may not go the way I want them, it has been hard not to imagine my birth going the way I wanted it to. On my own...Without drugs or an IV...

I know I'm not a failure. I'd rather induce than risk putting Little Guy in danger because I'm stubborn in wanting things done my way. But I can't help being disappointed that things won't go the way I had imagined them. And I can't help being scared that inducing will start a domino effect of other interventions I would like to avoid.

I think everyone is more excited than I am. Apparently Hubby and I have already made several people's days by telling them the baby will be here in the next day or two. Everyone wants to know how I'm feeling.

It's funny because on the way to the doctor's office I thought about what I was feeling a year ago. A year ago Hubby and I were making it a point to visit the local parks in the area and walk. We'd walk and I'd take pictures with the new camera I had bought a few months ago. The camera I told myself I wouldn't buy until I was pregnant, but couldn't wait until that time. I was sad, angry, anxious, hurting physically and emotionally. I had just started talking to a therapist. I was dreading going to a friend's wedding because she pregnant and was just a few weeks ahead of where I would have been in my pregnancy if I had not lost the baby. I was jealous. I wanted what I had lost.

Now? Now I'm feeling nervous and scared. I'm panicking. I mean... I'm having a baby! The one thing I've wanted so badly for the last 13 months. My life is going to change forever in the next 24-48 hours. You'd think I'd be excited. Deep down I think I am. I am very curious to know what this little human I'm carrying looks like. I'm happy I'll get to snuggle him. However, part of me still isn't quite ready for him. But he's coming and there isn't anything I can do about it.

I'm having a baby... Yikes!