Bah humbug

I want to skip Christmas this year.

One year ago today I found out I was pregnant for the first time. I was getting over a pretty nasty viral infection and was feeling a number of emotions: sick, excited, nervous, scared...

We spent Christmas Eve night and all Christmas day at my in-laws before spending a day at a family party with Hubby's extended family. It wasn't necessarily a bad weekend, but being sick, I just wanted to be at my own home, in my own bed. Hubby and I barely had a chance to talk about our feelings about being pregnant. Our little girl was planned, but I don't think we thought we'd get pregnant as quickly as we did. We had to spend three days avoiding the subject lest someone overhear us and start spreading the news before we were ready.

This year, despite Little Guy poking me every so often (he is quiet again today), I'm mourning the little girl I never got to meet. I'm spending the day at my in-laws again and have been trying to hold back tears, hoping that no one will notice and question me. I feel like I'm experiencing de ja vous; I am getting over another virus and am pregnant once again. I am hoping that everyone will mistake my reserved attitude for feeling under the weather. Once again I am feeling a number of emotions: sadness, sick, thankfulness, happiness, nervousness...

To top off this roller coaster of emotions, Hubby received a gift from Santa: a dad-to-be book and a five piece set of baby clothes. The kicker? It is the exact same book and five piece set that is sitting at home for Hubby to open from me tomorrow. Maybe its hormones, maybe it's the fact that Hubby is so hard to shop for and I was proud of the little Daddy Package I put together for him, but I had to run into the bathroom part way through present opening so no one would see the tears spilling from my eyes.

I am upset, and have sat here all afternoon telling myself I really can't get as mad as I want to over the situation. I mean, even if Santa and I had talked about our gifts to Hubby, I don't think we could have anticipated getting him the same clothing set. Little Guy can use all the clothes he can get, so he'll just have two of some things now. But Hubby doesn't need two books. And I feel that, despite the fact there are a few other parts to the gift besides the clothes and the book, my gift to him is completely ruined and won't be appreciated. Instead of participating in conversation with my in-laws, I have been fighting back tears as I zone our and try to figure out if I can get my money back on the book or who we can regift it to.

Here's hoping next year will be better. I know Little Guy will still be too young to care about presents and the day might be too overwhelming for him, but I hope that by being able to begin creating my own family memories next year, Little Guy will help bring me out of this Christmas funk I have found myself in over the last couple years.